Marriage

But it is definitely not true that all Indian girls have to undergo brutal arranged marriages to men they will surely loathe. Nothing can be further from the truth. It was not true*centuries ago when Rajput Princess would glorify love by eloping with their suitor from their father’s courts;… did not work this way for these intervening centuries when Indian women fought alongside their men for freedom of the country, and does not work this way today, when Indian women are educated, professionals, and almost at par with their male counterparts.

Even in rural areas, in most families, the match may be decided for a girl by her parents but the suitability is almost always well studied. The reason could be that India is still so socially and culturally segregated that a marriage within one’s own community is the safest and surest bet for a secure, well settled life. In a country with 25 different states, each with its own history, geography, climate, food, language, culture and even sensibilities and attitudes, living with a person from a radically different background can be an extremely difficult experience. And no, love does not surmount all troubles for a lifetime. A fish eater will NEVER compromise on his or her habits while a person from a vegetarian family will always find it difficult to accept blood and meat in their kitchen. A widow in the North will wear white while a in the south, a bride wears white. A*on the forehead of a married Hindu woman is traditionally a MUST while the same*on the forehead of a Muslim girl will condemn her to burn in hell till the Kayamat (Judgment Day)..religious beliefs bind us very strongly, and not all strata of society have the strength to break free of meaningless (or even meaningful) traditions. In this rigid mindset, most parents want the easy, happy and socially accepted way out for their children; it is after all, the decision of a lifetime. Even the ways Gods and religion is interpreted is so different from state to state that the whole process of adjusting can be a really traumatic experience, unless we are talking of mature individuals, willing to change. But most parents would rather not let their lovingly brought up daughters take a painful path to love and life.

Of course, times are changing too. Over the last century, an increasing number of women and young men are working and studying together, in urban as well as rural areas. There is a constant intermingling of cultures an save the most interior rural areas, cross cultural marriages of the girl and boy’s choice are becoming very common. So inter religion, interstate community and inter-state languages are becoming more common everyday. These may be arranged by parents or by the young ones themselves, but yes, they are no longer difficult. The primary reason is the rapid cosmopolitization of the Indian metros, the giant strides that the Indian media has taken over the last few decades, and of course, the phenomenal speed of rising awareness levels. Most youngsters know what they want in life, and who they want to live it with. Parents, in most cases, have to support them, because the traditional joint family system is breaking down and they will lose their children if they oppose. Besides, the parents of today are the rebels of the last generation who would probably have done the same thing if they had got a chance…so they can identify with their children’s stand. All these factors are ensuring that arranged marriages are becoming more and more open-minded... as in arranged love marriages. The best example is the marriage of the British industrialist, steel magnate Lakshmi Mittal’s daughter, who chose her mate and Daddy did the honors, a Princess’s wedding in Paris, while the world watched. Everyone is happy and satisfied, traditions are met, society is happy, and the love birds have got their nest.

"I pointed out that the breakup of marriages was a far more widespread phenomenon in Western cultures, where women had complete freedom to have sexual relations, live with and get to know a man, and then decide if they wanted marriage or not." So would it be correct to say that the overwhelming amount of people in India who are still legally married to their spouses while still searching for another partner is "a far more widespread 'phenomenon' in Indian culture" than in the United States? In other words, should I believe all of the stereotypes and misinformation about Indian people that is found in the media? Or would it be more prudent to realize that issues like marriage and divorce are far more complex? Western culture is always looked at through distorted lenses. To say that all women in the U.S. have complete freedom to engage in pre-marital sex would mean that the person espousing such a view has complete knowledge of the expectations of ALL mothers and fathers who live in the U.S. I know for a fact that NO ONE on this site or any other site is in possession of such knowledge. Good parents want their children to marry well and wisely and not to dishonor their parents with their behavior. Tell me, how is this different from good Indian parents? Divorce is fairly easy to obtain in the U.S., and there is no stigma to being a divorcee. (This has not always been true in the U.S. where being a divorcee was once a stigma for both men and women.) As well, the custody of children can be won by either the husband or the wife, and joint custody is generally the norm. Therefore, if either wife or husband wants a divorce, unless either has been abusive, the children will still have a relationship with both parents. I am going to venture to say that if there was not such a stigma of being a divorcee (along with cultural, familial, societal, and communal disapproval) in India and obtaining a divorce was easier, there would be more divorces in India. In the U.S., the courts (and families) realize that forcing*people to remain together is not in the best interest of either party--and definitely, not in the best interest of children, if there are any. Unhappiness is not the key to a good marriage. Still, many of those who are divorced have said that despite knowing that the marriage could not continue, signing the divorce papers was difficult--the sense of loss and failure almost insurmountable. Whether a marriage is a love-marriage or an arranged marriage and even when both man and woman have entered into the marriage with the best of intentions, a bad choice can be made just as well a good choice can be made.

perfectly I agree