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How to Help Your Child Accept a Second Marriage

26 Aug 2008 9:12 PM by Sachin Gupta in Children
On announcing your forthcoming second marriage, your 6 to 11 year old child has reacted negatively - what should you as a mother do to make it easier? When you're faced with your child's pain and anger during a time of your happiness, it can be a turbulent time. This article presents some ways to help your child come to terms to the new arrangements and learn to accept your impending blended family.
  1. Reassure your child. Even if your child gets along well with your fiancé, remarriage often revives the pain of divorce. Also, through loyalty or fear of betraying his father, your child might want to refuse to participate or help. It is important to reassure him, to tell him that you understand and respect his decision. Prepare him for a solution that lets him off the hook; such as going to his father's place or a friend's place during the wedding. He mustn't feel abandoned but it's important that his refusal to attend won't influence your decision to go ahead. Whatever happens, your marriage will occur because it's a matter for the grown-ups to make decisions about their own lives.

  2. Understand her worries. She may be afraid that perhaps she'll be called upon to move, to share her room with a half or step-sibling. She may be worried about what will happen to her daily play routine, vacation plans and general activities. On the other hand, it may well be that a new marriage will bring about an ease in financial constraints so it is important to be honest and explain how change is always hard for everyone but that there will be some very good changes that come out of the new family situation. Point out how there will be easier ways to do things with more people on board to help out. It is important to be frank, because she will feel betrayed if you try to gloss over the challenges. Reassure her that despite the changes, her relationship with both her parents remains one of love, support and respect for her. And let her know that despite the new marriage, you will be still be there for her, together planning the future, with her as she grows up and supporting one another.

  3. Make it clear that love between adults is not something a child can change. Gently help him to understand that whilst he can manage his toys, homework and choice of clothes, he cannot influence his parent's love life, whether it be divorce or remarriage. In discussing this, never use negative words about him - a child all too easily assumes responsibility for the single parent and can feel a sense of personal blame. Ensure that he does not have any such negative feelings and reassure him that when it comes to affairs of the heart, feelings and love, much cannot be explained and that things just "are". Tell him also that the joy of one person does not equate with the sadness of another - there is room for all the family to feel joy at the coming marriage.

  4. Approach new names with great care. Unless there are very good reasons, it is not a good idea to change a child's last name; it is a threatening challenge to both her personal identity and her connection with her father. It is better to reassure your child firmly that she will keep her father's name and that nothing changes. In terms of a name for the new spouse, discuss this directly with your child and let your child come up with a nickname for her new parent. Finally, explain to her that she has the right to love her new parent without this love taking the place of her love for her father. There is room for both people in her life and if both her father and new parent take their roles seriously, she'll discover the delight of having more people caring about her welfare and needs.

  5. Be patient. A very stubborn refusal that includes rebelliousness and anger won't be resolved overnight. Talk to your ex-husband to get support for helping your child through this transition. If he hasn't remarried before you, odds are he will be in the future, so either he'll have already been through it or he'll be open-eared about what he will experience should this happen to him as well. Show openly to your child that you and your ex-husband still have your child's concerns at heart first and foremost in your discussions; this isn't the time for dragging through old hurts but it is a time for putting your child's concerns first.

(Courtesy: http://www.wikihow.com)


214 Comment(s)

Geste :

on 26 Aug 10 at 11:23 AM

I can offer this for a cute frnd.. ................................... ......... , . - . - , _ , ....... ......... ) ` - . .> ' `( ....... ........ / . . . .`\ . . \ ........ ........ |. . . . . |. . .| ........ ......... \ . . . ./ . ./ ......... ........... `=(\ /.=` ......... ............. `-;`.-' ............ ............... `)| ... , ........ ................ || _.-'| ........ ............. ,_|| \_,/ ........ ....... , ..... \|| .' ............. ....... |\ |\ ,. ||/ ............. .... ,..\` | /|.,|Y\, ............ ..... '-...'-._..\||/ ............. ......... >_.-`Y| .............. .............. ,_|| ............... ................ \|| ........... ................. || .......... ................. || ........... ................. |/ ........... ................................

Geste :

on 26 Aug 10 at 11:23 AM

Beauty isn't worth thinking about; what's important is your mind. You don't want a fifty-dollar haircut on a fifty-cent head.

Geste :

on 10 Aug 10 at 10:08 AM

Mother Love

To be a mother is a magical
and dream fulfilled
the physical and mental
battle to reach a certain stage
being a mother
is the best gift in the planet
it fills you with a deep sense
of unconditional love
you accept the child for he/she is
and you respect him/her
as an individual
a mothers love is ageless
unconditional and infinite
i salute humanity far more
after that i become a mother
life has been more beautiful
i value it more
and if theres anything i believe in
it’s love
one of the simple thing
i live with my love for my child
love is infinite
it’s beyond physical and human life
so even if i’m dead and gone
i leave my love behind
that’s “free!”

Geste :

on 10 Aug 10 at 10:08 AM

Thank You Mother

I am independent
because you put aside your fear
and allowed me the freedom
to be who i am
and go where i want to go
i am wise
because you made me understand
what you did for me
was what you thought
was the best for me at the time
i am honest
because you corrected me
and not giving up on me
everytime you caught me lying
i am giving
because your difination of love
is to give and serve
whole heartedly
i am strong and optimistic
because i watch you take
every challenge in your stride
no matter how tough it was
inovating whenever
you’ve got the inspiration
thank you mother
for everything you’ve done
i am who i am today
because of you
i love you
loving you every aspect
of your demeanor.

Geste :

on 09 Aug 10 at 6:47 PM

I've just finished reading a great book by Allan and Barbara Pease entitled "Why Men Lie and Women Cry". A true and humorous account of the differences between the sexes and full of practical ways to communicate effectively.

I've enjoyed the book so much and felt it will be of great benefit to all of you that I just had to write up an extract from it:

Women Talk, Talk and Talk

" When a woman talks she often uses indirect speech. This means she hints at what she wants or infers things.

Women's indirect speech has a purpose - it builds relationships and rapport with other by avoiding aggression, confrontation or discord.

When women use indirect speech with other women there is seldom a problem - women are sensitive to picking up the real meaning. It can, however be disastrous when used on men.

Men Take Words Literally

Men use direct speech and take words literally. They find women's lack of conversational structure and purpose very disconcerting, and accuse women of not knowing what they're talking about. They respond by saying things like "What's the point here?" "Where is this conversation going?" and "What's the bottom line?"

Men then proceed to talk to a woman as if she is a mental patient or will cut her off by saying "We've been over this a dozen times", "How much longer will this take?" and "This conversation is too much hard work and isn't going anywhere!"

 

beta :

on 09 Aug 10 at 10:49 AM

HI,Second marriege is wonderful activity in life because u have lost something in life and regain your vitality through marriage.Life is nothing witout sharing your love and feelings. Man borns and dies there is no rebirth and re incarnation,so each and every moment of life should be full of enjoy.When man or woman departs from husband or wife they feel loneliness and need to share their feelings.

beta :

on 09 Aug 10 at 10:49 AM

Hi,Sucharita jadi mo sahita sampark rakhibaku chahuncho tahele mate jeevansathi.com re paibo ku khuntia .

beta :

on 09 Aug 10 at 10:49 AM

Sucharita jadi tame agaku jibaku cahuco mate message pathaibo.Mu ebe bideshre ochi.Mu tumaro photo sabudin deke.Au mar idre*aau rediffmaillogaile mail polai asibo.

beta :

on 09 Aug 10 at 10:49 AM

Sucharita mate jani baku chesta karo.Mate bahut ekutia ekutia laguchi.

mansi :

on 09 Aug 10 at 10:49 AM

Why are you crying, a young boy asked his Mom? "Because I'm a woman," she told him. "I don't understand," he said. His Mom just hugged him and said, "And you never will, but that's O.K."....... Later the little boy asked his father, "Why does Mom seem to cry for no reason?". "All women cry for no reason," was all his Dad could say...... The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry. Finally he put in a call to God and when God got back to him, he asked "God, why do women cry so easily?" GOD answered...... "When I made woman, I decided she had to be special. I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world, yet, made her arms gentle enough to give comfort... I gave her the inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times will come even from her own children. I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going and take care of her family and friends, even when everyone else gives up, through sickness and fatigue without complaining.... I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances. Even when her child has hurt her badly.... She has the very special power to make a child's boo-boo feel better and to quell a teenager's anxieties and fears.... I gave her strength to care for her husband, despite faults and I fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart.... I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly.... For all of this hard work, I also gave her a tear to shed. It is hers to use whenever needed and ! it is her only weakness.... When you see her cry, tell her how much you love her, and all she does for everyone, and even though she may still cry, you will have made her heart feel good. She is special! Please send this to women you know, and those with mothers, sisters, and special women in their lives. But, also send this to men so they will understand about what a wonderful thing a woman is. Each day is a mountain that must be climbed; with courage each step gets easier. Love your Mother Always and keep her Smiling

Geste :

on 04 Aug 10 at 10:54 AM

So often people say they found their lover in their friend.
I just have to wonder if they&#*****;ve found a means to fit their end.
I thought I knew you for so long, but now I've come to see
That this man is a stranger, and you don't remember me.

For the first time in my life I wanted someone I could keep-
To treasure me both heart and soul, to hold me in my sleep.
When I saw you I was overjoyed, my search at last concluded,
Who knew that I would come to find that I was just deluded?

Because as we grew together something still kept us apart,
I have your body and your mind, but I'll never have your heart.
And I still wish that we could have that true love and forever,
But reality stole my happy ending, leaving me with never.

And if you asked, what would I say?
Would I dare to throw it all away?
Would yes be right? Or is it no?
But we never ask, so on we go.

And still I know that in the end,
You're not my lover but my friend.
This is the truth that I despise
When I suddenly realize:

We're not in love.

ramesh :

on 02 Aug 10 at 11:09 AM

MY VIEW ....ANY MAN OR ANY WOMAN NO COMPLETED. ONLY TOTAL BUIESNES HONESTY IS THE BEST QAULATEY AATMA AMAR HAI MAN VICLIT HAI JIS TREAH ATMA KAHI BHI JA SAKTI HAI VASIY HI MAN BHI KAHI BHI JA SAKTA HAI

madhabilata :

on 02 Aug 10 at 11:09 AM

very nice piece of writing & very practical too.

Geste :

on 30 Jul 10 at 2:31 PM

This wonderful story is from Hindustan times-Innervoice…. Secret of happiness *men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room. One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs. His bed was next to the room’s only window. The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back. The men talked for hours on end. They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service. Every afternoon, when the man in bed by the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window. The man in the other bed began to live for those one-hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlightened by all the activity outside. The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake. Ducks played on the water while kids sailed their model boats. Lovers walked arm in arm midst flowers etc. As the man by the window described all this in details, the man on the other side would close his eyes and imagine this picturesque scene. One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only to find the lifeless body of the man by the window, who had died peacefully in his sleep. As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved next to the window. The nurse was happy to make a switch. Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look at the real world outside. To his shock, it faced a blank wall. The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his diseased roommate who had described such wonderful things outside this window. The nurse said the man was blind and could not even see the wall.She said, “ Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you”. Happiness is making others happy

Geste :

on 26 Jul 10 at 7:21 PM

hi happy morning to alll!

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