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Remarriage Tips: Take a Second Look

26 Aug 2008 9:13 PM by Sachin Gupta in Re-Marriage
Before remarrying many individuals are a little hesitant to remarry and rightly so. It is important that individuals look at the potential red flags of the person they are considering marrying. Unfortunately, too many people remarry a second time without getting a clear understanding of who are they are marrying. Therefore, I suggest that before remarriage individuals take a second look at the person they are marrying. For example, how does your potential spouse deal with stress, your children, his/her family. It is important to take time and explore how he/she treats others under pressure or stress.

A Friend First

Many step-parents worry about what their role should be with new step-children. Most professionals agree that the most important role that step-parents can take is the role of a friend. Step-parents who are placed in the role of decision maker for step-children early in the new marriage are being placed in a risky place. Be a friend first and let the biological parent do the disciplining. This isn´t a secret it is just plain smart.

Blending Yours, Mine, and Ours

Putting two families together takes a big effort from everyone involved. It is not easy to blend two families together, but it can be done. Here are a few ideas for helping you put your family together. First, prior to marriage or soon after marriage take time on a regular basis to discuss potential problems. Second, spend some time together as a whole family (this helps create new stories). Third, establish family rules such as in this family we don´t talk bad about each other, we support and lift each other up. Fourth, on a regular basis evaluate and re-evaluate what is working and what isn´t working. Let everyone discuss what their feeling and thinking. Fifth, each child should have some individual time with their biological parent.
Blending a family together takes a big effort, nevertheless, it can be very rewarding to everyone involved as all family members will learn how to resolve differences.

Take Time For Each Other

Many remarriages start off busy. Putting two homes into one, or joining one family with another. Such events make it difficult to really enjoy the new union that has been formed. Therefore, I suggest to all newlyweds that you take time for each other. It is helpful if you plan time for each other. Then you must make sure that you carry out your plans. It is in the first few months that you will establish patterns that will last throughout your marriage.

Building strengths in stepfamilies

The Vishers are experts in helping stepfamilies come together. They suggest that remarried couples should:

1) nurture the couple relationship so that the new marriage will survive and thrive
2) find person space and time to relax and unwind from the challenges of a stepfamily
3) nurture family relationships by spending time with each of the new family members
4) maintain a close parent-child relationship
5) focus on the stepparent-stepchild relationship
6) build family trust
7) stengthen stepfamily ties through a family discussion every week or two
8) work at keeping the bridges open to the children´s other household so that co-parenting can work smoothly

Avoiding a Second Spouse Like Your First

Too many times in our society people divorce and remarry only to find that their second spouse is much like their first spouse. Fortunately, some people have learned what signs to look so they can prevent remarrying a prototype of their first spouse. What are the signs to look for in someone who won´t be a good spouse? First, watch for controlling statements or actions. Second, listen to your instincts. Third, observe your potential partner in lots of settings rather than just a few (observe how he/she is around your family, his/her family, around your friends). Fourth, become friends before you take your relationship to a deep intimate level.

Fundamentals to Surviving in a Remarriage

In order to function effectively a step-family must have and maintain the following characteristics.

1st) They must be commited to each other and be willing to make the effort necessary to create change. Many people in their second marriage have said, "if I would have worked this hard in my first marriage we would have never divorced".

2nd) Everyone in a remarriage needs to feel a sense of unity, a feeling of closeness, and they need to feel like they are part of the new family.

3rd) Effective communication and problem solving is essential skill in new families. This requires extra time and effort in trying to understand each others needs.

4th) It is essential for clear boundaries to be established. Newly remarried couples need to establish rules and roles. This includes who does the parenting of the children. What is the step-parents role. These boundaries should be discussed early and often.


19 Comment(s)


on 17 Jul 09 at 6:03 PM

Pre marriage councelling will be always helpful. I know about pre marriage councelling named Saath-Saath it is in Pune. Best luck.

Amit :

on 14 Oct 08 at 2:16 PM

Facing Fear of Marriage: Honesty

Are you afraid of not having things to talk about in*or twenty-five years? Talk about that. Are you afraid of feeling suffocated, having kids, not being ready for a commitment, or financial burdens? Talk about it. The more you hide your specific fears of marriage, the bigger the fears get. The more you hide anything the worse it gets.

Facing Fear of Marriage: Reading

Do a little research. Go to the library or bookstore. Find yourself in those books, and apply the writer's wisdom to your life. Overcoming fear of marriage requires a little digging, both into the literary world and your own soul. Facing Fear of Marriage: Premarital Questions

These premarital questions may help you determine whether you're really ready. Be honest when you think about and share your answers with your partner. Focus on not judging or condemning, but being vulnerable and open.

Facing Fear of Marriage: Time

Maybe now isn't the time for you to get married. How do you know if you're simply not ready, or if you're avoiding healthy commitment? Talk it through with someone you trust, be honest with yourself, and follow your gut. Facing fear of marriage requires admitting the truth to yourself and your partner, no matter what stage the engagement or marriage is at.

Facing Fear of Marriage: Already Married?!

Maybe part of the reason the divorce rate is so high is that people get married despite their fears and reservations. They ignore the hints in both themselves and their partners; hints that indicate addictions, irresponsibilities, abuse, untreated mental illness, and problems of all sorts.

If you're married and realized you're facing fear of marriage, get help. Go to couples counseling, or see a therapist on your own. Talk to someone you trust, like a mentor or pastor. Face your fear of marriage before it explodes in your face!

Secondshaadi Profile Id is :: pleasure

By :: Amit ( Pleasure ) :: Banker and WebDesigner (MWD.)
The Award Winner Blogger

Geste :

on 14 Oct 08 at 2:08 PM

u r doing a good job. thank u for u r advice.have a nice day

Geste :

on 14 Oct 08 at 2:08 PM

i don't exactly know but i have heard that somelady is doing good job in indore regarding pre-marriage consultation for both. so ngo's should also start such type of service. we need to hink over this issue , as this is an alarming issue for indians i.e how to enjoy happy marriage

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