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Tips for Creating Successful Second Marriages

26 Aug 2008 9:11 PM by Sachin Gupta in Re-Marriage
Second marriages can take more work in order to succeed, but they can be successful. Whether your first marriage ended because of a death or due to a divorce, it is possible to move on from the experience and use it as a learning tool in your next marriage.  Sometimes, second marriages can be even more successful than first marriages because both parties have more experience to know what they are looking for in a lifelong partner. That doesn’t mean that second marriages will always be easy and without their problems. With a few helpful tips, you can make your second marriage a success in the wake of a failed relationship in the past.

Recognize the reasons your first marriage failed.
One of the best ways to help ensure that your second marriage will be a success is to take an honest look at the reasons the first one failed. If you are honest with yourself, you can take a step back from your personal feelings and identify the problems that both parties contributed to the divorce. While many times a divorce might be the cause of one partner’s indiscretion or another major flaw, most divorces are the result of a buildup of bad feelings toward each other based on small and petty reasons.

Build a bridge and then get over it.
Second marriages are doomed to fail if one of the partners cannot get over his or her first marriage. If one person brings their baggage from their first marriage into the second marriage, there is no reason even to go through with the second one.

Your new partner is an entirely new person from the one you had during your first marriage. If you continue to expect him to let you down or behave the way your first husband did, you will find ways in which he actually does so. Before even considering a second marriage, make sure you can let go of the hurt feelings and the ill-will that you are holding onto from your first marriage. Carrying these feelings into second marriages (or even another relationship for that matter) can be detrimental to your interactions with your new partner.

If, however, your first marriage ended as the result of a husband’s premature death, make sure that you have given yourself enough time to get over the pain and hurt associated with losing a loved one. Your new partner will never compare to your first husband so trying to replace your first husband is neither healthy nor productive. If you can’t separate your new relationship from the relationship you had with your first husband, you will not be able to have a healthy second marriage.

Children pose an entirely different situation.
Getting married for a second time is difficult enough if you did not have children during that time. You can base your decision solely on your own discretion without needing to be concerned about the impact it will have on your children. If your first marriage resulted in kids, however, it might be much more difficult to transition into a second marriage.

Whether your first marriage ended in divorce or death, some children might feel as though you are trying to replace their father or mother. You can get through this problem successfully, though. Many times, just sitting down with your children and having a conversation with them about your intentions will help them see the situation from your perspective. If you listen to their concerns and answer their questions, you might be surprised at what they are thinking. Simple communication is often the best tool to come to an understanding so that you can each see the other’s perspective. Reassure them that your new partner has become important to you and your happiness.

If this doesn’t help, try to get your new partner to talk to your children with you. If he makes an honest effort to be friends with your children, it might make the situation better and less volatile. Be sure that his actions match his words, too. Instead of just saying that they want to befriend your children, showing them would be much more effective. The children might not see him as an intruder into the family, but rather a welcome new member. Try to explain that the new partner is not a replacement for the former husband and that he are merely trying to enter the family as a loving addition rather than a replacement.

Other times, though, your children might be unreceptive of the idea of a second marriage no matter what you do. In these cases, the best thing you can do is make the best possible decision and hope your children will eventually understand.

Discuss your finances beforehand.
Many people getting involved in second marriages are older than the ones getting married for the first time. As a result, these people might already have an established way of handling their finances in addition to their own resources. Similarly, each partner brings into the second marriage his or her individual debts. If you don’t have a financial plan when you get married the second time, it should be a major topic of discussion before you have the wedding. Arguing over money is one of the main reasons for divorce. In fact, it may have even been the reason for your first marriage being unsuccessful. Both partners should come to an understanding concerning the way to handle the combined finances before you say, “I do” for the second time.

Dealing with the ex-husband.
From trying to decide if you should invite your ex-husband to your second wedding to the troubles of parental rights, the former spouse can pose a great deal of problems for your second marriage. Since you did not have a successful relationship with him to begin with, chances are that you will still have a less than amicable relationship following the divorce. Hopefully, though, you can have a civil relationship. This is simply out of consideration for others that you will need to interact with in the future.

If you have children with him, for instance, try to have a friendly relationship for the sake of your children. If you have mutual friends, try to be civil so your friends don’t feel awkward in social situations in which both of you are involved.

Respecting a deceased spouse.
If you get involved with a man who has lost his wife, try to be respectful of her memory. Reassure him and his children that you do not want to take his deceased wife’s place. On the other hand, he should not constantly bring up his deceased wife in such a way that you feel like you are being compared to her. With all of the issues in a second marriage, trying to be respectful of a dead spouse’s memory can be the most sensitive issue and it can be a difficult task to manage.

There are many issues to deal with in the event of a second marriage. A first marriage is difficult enough to manage, but second marriages have many issues that are more complicated and relationships that need to be dealt with to make the relationship successful. Ideally, you can find a partner that is willing to go through these issues with you and is willing to support you the entire way.

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11 Comment(s)

debasis :

on 04 Jul 13 at 8:54 AM

Its true and positive approach for the destiny

Poonam :

on 18 Jun 13 at 5:50 PM


ashok :

on 18 Jun 13 at 1:22 PM

It is nice which is written above,being widower I want that children of first marriage to understand the present situation where the single parent is suffering,once the age is grownup one need to be more careful whereas the existing children do not understand the situation so let the children to understnad and help the father/mother to get marry again and to settle down so that they should also be free from their responsibilities.

Deepak :

on 27 May 13 at 4:29 PM


Geste :

on 16 Aug 10 at 11:37 AM

It,s high time that the legislature must ..Make suitable changes in the existing law. New Delhi:- The Supreme Court On Friday raised concern over the misuse of the anit-dowry provision in criminal law and urged the government to make suitable changes in the law and reign in the number of frivolous cases being filed under the act. Asking the apex Court registry to send a copy of the judgment to the law secretary, to place it before the law minister, a bench headed by Justice Dalveer Bhandari said: It is high time that the legislature must take into consideration the pragmatic realities and make suitable changes in the existing law." The Bench added it was imperative for the legislature to also consider public opinion to bring the changes in the larger interest of the society. The court also called upon the learned advocates to maintain its traditions and make serious efforts to help couples settle their differences. They must discharge their duties to the best of their abilities to ensure that social fiber peace and tranquility of the society remains intact. The members of the Bar should also ensure that one complaint should not lead to multiple cases," the court added. The order over misuse of section 498A of Indian penal code came while the court disposed of an appeal filed by a couple against the Ranchi HC order summoning them under dowry harassment charges. The woman’s sister-in-law filed the complaint in ranchi, even as she lived in Mumbai and the accused couple resided in Gujarat. Allowing the petitioners' contention that the case was filed to harass them, the bench said it was common knowledge that exaggerated versions of the incident are reflected in a large number of cases... Even ultimate acquittal in the trial may also not be able to wipe out the deep scars of suffering of ignominy." the court said.

Rakesh :

on 16 Aug 10 at 11:37 AM

Hi Kanya, How can I Contact you?

Rakesh :

on 16 Aug 10 at 11:37 AM

hi Kanya, Please give me your email address ...........................?

vishal :

on 16 Aug 10 at 11:37 AM

hi kanya plz snd me ur full details if u r intersted

vishal :

on 16 Aug 10 at 11:37 AM

hi priya

vishal :

on 16 Aug 10 at 11:37 AM

hi neha, i want 2 know sumthing about u more

navles :

on 14 Oct 08 at 2:15 PM

we miss many opportunities in love when we fail to mentioned it to the person we love. we always worry about rejection before saying that' I Love You' and then everything stop there.We need to break the mind obsticale.I am still trying that.

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