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How to Help Your Child Accept a Second Marriage

26 Aug 2008 9:12 PM by Sachin Gupta in Children
On announcing your forthcoming second marriage, your 6 to 11 year old child has reacted negatively - what should you as a mother do to make it easier? When you're faced with your child's pain and anger during a time of your happiness, it can be a turbulent time. This article presents some ways to help your child come to terms to the new arrangements and learn to accept your impending blended family.
  1. Reassure your child. Even if your child gets along well with your fiancé, remarriage often revives the pain of divorce. Also, through loyalty or fear of betraying his father, your child might want to refuse to participate or help. It is important to reassure him, to tell him that you understand and respect his decision. Prepare him for a solution that lets him off the hook; such as going to his father's place or a friend's place during the wedding. He mustn't feel abandoned but it's important that his refusal to attend won't influence your decision to go ahead. Whatever happens, your marriage will occur because it's a matter for the grown-ups to make decisions about their own lives.

  2. Understand her worries. She may be afraid that perhaps she'll be called upon to move, to share her room with a half or step-sibling. She may be worried about what will happen to her daily play routine, vacation plans and general activities. On the other hand, it may well be that a new marriage will bring about an ease in financial constraints so it is important to be honest and explain how change is always hard for everyone but that there will be some very good changes that come out of the new family situation. Point out how there will be easier ways to do things with more people on board to help out. It is important to be frank, because she will feel betrayed if you try to gloss over the challenges. Reassure her that despite the changes, her relationship with both her parents remains one of love, support and respect for her. And let her know that despite the new marriage, you will be still be there for her, together planning the future, with her as she grows up and supporting one another.

  3. Make it clear that love between adults is not something a child can change. Gently help him to understand that whilst he can manage his toys, homework and choice of clothes, he cannot influence his parent's love life, whether it be divorce or remarriage. In discussing this, never use negative words about him - a child all too easily assumes responsibility for the single parent and can feel a sense of personal blame. Ensure that he does not have any such negative feelings and reassure him that when it comes to affairs of the heart, feelings and love, much cannot be explained and that things just "are". Tell him also that the joy of one person does not equate with the sadness of another - there is room for all the family to feel joy at the coming marriage.

  4. Approach new names with great care. Unless there are very good reasons, it is not a good idea to change a child's last name; it is a threatening challenge to both her personal identity and her connection with her father. It is better to reassure your child firmly that she will keep her father's name and that nothing changes. In terms of a name for the new spouse, discuss this directly with your child and let your child come up with a nickname for her new parent. Finally, explain to her that she has the right to love her new parent without this love taking the place of her love for her father. There is room for both people in her life and if both her father and new parent take their roles seriously, she'll discover the delight of having more people caring about her welfare and needs.

  5. Be patient. A very stubborn refusal that includes rebelliousness and anger won't be resolved overnight. Talk to your ex-husband to get support for helping your child through this transition. If he hasn't remarried before you, odds are he will be in the future, so either he'll have already been through it or he'll be open-eared about what he will experience should this happen to him as well. Show openly to your child that you and your ex-husband still have your child's concerns at heart first and foremost in your discussions; this isn't the time for dragging through old hurts but it is a time for putting your child's concerns first.

(Courtesy: http://www.wikihow.com)


214 Comment(s)

Manish :

on 23 Jul 10 at 7:30 PM

All that one requires, regardless of it being first or second marriage is mutual respect and understanding between*people.....which is based all teogather on factors like maturity and personality. Caste, creed, relegion or financial background does not attains any importance in long run so my advise to all forks is when you look for a partner, first you see the personality traits - by which I do not mean looks only, it the overall phonemen which the person dons, and if that is suitable ----Viola!!! you can proceed further with the positive frame of mind....else, jus drop the things for the betterment of both....

Geste :

on 22 Jul 10 at 10:27 AM

hi! Gud mrng to all.im sanket fm chandigarh

Geste :

on 22 Jul 10 at 10:27 AM

im quite optimistic guy .

Geste :

on 21 Jul 10 at 7:53 PM

are o jummaa, meri jaaneman, baahar nikal aaj jummaa hai, aaj kaa waadaa hai dekh main aa gayaa, tu bhi jaldi aa mujhe mat aur tadpaa are tu boli thi pichhle jumme ko chummaa doongi agle jumme ko aaj jummaa hai to aajaa aajaa aajaa aajaa aajaa aajaa heee.

vikas :

on 21 Jul 10 at 10:28 AM

FAITH.. In a small town, a person decided to open a bar opposite a temple. The devotees started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayed daily against his business. Work progressed. However, when it was almost complete and was about to open a few days later, a strong lightning struck the bar and it was burnt to the ground. The Bar owner sued the Temple authorities on the grounds that the Temple through its congregation and prayers was ultimately responsible for the demise of his bar shop, either through direct or indirect actions or means. In its reply to the court, the temple staff and devotes denied all responsibility or any connection that their prayers were reasons to the bar shop's demise. As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over th e paperwork at the hearing and commented: "I don't know how I'm going to decide this case, but we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer and we have a temple and its devotees that don't believe."

Geste :

on 21 Jul 10 at 10:28 AM

Doctor saheb BORA gaye ho ka?????

Geste :

on 21 Jul 10 at 10:27 AM

But pappu cant dance sala...

Geste :

on 21 Jul 10 at 10:27 AM

Life ends when you stop dreaming, hope ends when you stop believing and love ends when you stop caring. So dream hope and love...Makes Life Beautiful.....

Geste :

on 21 Jul 10 at 10:27 AM

There is no need for temples, no need for complicated philosophies. My brain and my heart are my temples; my philosophy is kindness. Dalai Lama

Geste :

on 19 Jul 10 at 1:23 PM

Hatred paralyzes life; love releases it. Hatred confuses life; love harmonizes it. Hatred darkens life; love illumines it.-Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

Geste :

on 19 Jul 10 at 1:23 PM

"Special is a word that is used to describe something one of a kind...like sunset...or a person who spreads love with a smile or kind gesture."Special" describes people who act from the heart and keep in mind the heart of others.....

Geste :

on 15 Jul 10 at 3:17 PM

Second marrige is just compromise in life kyonki pahla pahla hota hai pahla koi bhul nahi sakta chahe hum ho ya ap phirvi inshan ko woh bhulna parta hai kyonki akela jiya nahi jata kisi se hum kuch share kare yeh inshan ka fitarat hai nahi to woh pagal ho jayega sab ko mentally or physically satisfy chahie aj ki fast life main

chander :

on 15 Jul 10 at 10:46 AM

Hi...I am Alone...looking for my "DREAM GIRL"...BEAUTIFUL-BOLD MINDED-...who shares my "DREAMS"...can u...

chander :

on 15 Jul 10 at 10:46 AM

kahi karti hogi wo mera intzar jis ki tammna main hain dil bekarar

perveen :

on 15 Jul 10 at 10:46 AM

I request all the males to refrain your languages.Otherwise prepare for the language used by a lady having id of name lonely.this is a forum for the respectable members looking for their life partner.

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