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How to Help Your Child Accept a Second Marriage

26 Aug 2008 9:12 PM by Sachin Gupta in Children
On announcing your forthcoming second marriage, your 6 to 11 year old child has reacted negatively - what should you as a mother do to make it easier? When you're faced with your child's pain and anger during a time of your happiness, it can be a turbulent time. This article presents some ways to help your child come to terms to the new arrangements and learn to accept your impending blended family.
  1. Reassure your child. Even if your child gets along well with your fiancé, remarriage often revives the pain of divorce. Also, through loyalty or fear of betraying his father, your child might want to refuse to participate or help. It is important to reassure him, to tell him that you understand and respect his decision. Prepare him for a solution that lets him off the hook; such as going to his father's place or a friend's place during the wedding. He mustn't feel abandoned but it's important that his refusal to attend won't influence your decision to go ahead. Whatever happens, your marriage will occur because it's a matter for the grown-ups to make decisions about their own lives.

  2. Understand her worries. She may be afraid that perhaps she'll be called upon to move, to share her room with a half or step-sibling. She may be worried about what will happen to her daily play routine, vacation plans and general activities. On the other hand, it may well be that a new marriage will bring about an ease in financial constraints so it is important to be honest and explain how change is always hard for everyone but that there will be some very good changes that come out of the new family situation. Point out how there will be easier ways to do things with more people on board to help out. It is important to be frank, because she will feel betrayed if you try to gloss over the challenges. Reassure her that despite the changes, her relationship with both her parents remains one of love, support and respect for her. And let her know that despite the new marriage, you will be still be there for her, together planning the future, with her as she grows up and supporting one another.

  3. Make it clear that love between adults is not something a child can change. Gently help him to understand that whilst he can manage his toys, homework and choice of clothes, he cannot influence his parent's love life, whether it be divorce or remarriage. In discussing this, never use negative words about him - a child all too easily assumes responsibility for the single parent and can feel a sense of personal blame. Ensure that he does not have any such negative feelings and reassure him that when it comes to affairs of the heart, feelings and love, much cannot be explained and that things just "are". Tell him also that the joy of one person does not equate with the sadness of another - there is room for all the family to feel joy at the coming marriage.

  4. Approach new names with great care. Unless there are very good reasons, it is not a good idea to change a child's last name; it is a threatening challenge to both her personal identity and her connection with her father. It is better to reassure your child firmly that she will keep her father's name and that nothing changes. In terms of a name for the new spouse, discuss this directly with your child and let your child come up with a nickname for her new parent. Finally, explain to her that she has the right to love her new parent without this love taking the place of her love for her father. There is room for both people in her life and if both her father and new parent take their roles seriously, she'll discover the delight of having more people caring about her welfare and needs.

  5. Be patient. A very stubborn refusal that includes rebelliousness and anger won't be resolved overnight. Talk to your ex-husband to get support for helping your child through this transition. If he hasn't remarried before you, odds are he will be in the future, so either he'll have already been through it or he'll be open-eared about what he will experience should this happen to him as well. Show openly to your child that you and your ex-husband still have your child's concerns at heart first and foremost in your discussions; this isn't the time for dragging through old hurts but it is a time for putting your child's concerns first.

(Courtesy: http://www.wikihow.com)


214 Comment(s)

Geste :

on 14 Jul 10 at 10:45 AM

S E V E N QUALITIES

Rakesh :

on 14 Jul 10 at 10:45 AM

Kya karega Pyaar wo imaan se, Kya karega Pyaar wo Bhagwan se, janm lekar godd me insaan ki kar na saka pyaar jo insaan se .....................? socho or jara gor se socho

saurabh :

on 13 Jul 10 at 5:35 PM

Hi friends how r u dears

saurabh :

on 13 Jul 10 at 5:35 PM

Actual meaning of morning is "More+Inning" Means 1 more inning given by god to play n Win. So VEry gud morning n have a lovely Winning Day.

saurabh :

on 13 Jul 10 at 5:35 PM

Aye barish zara tham ke baras................... Jab mera dost aye to jam ke baras.............. Phele na baras ki wo aana sake.................. Phir itna baras ki wo jana sake...................! HAPPY MONSOON!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anurag :

on 13 Jul 10 at 10:53 AM

I am Fine.

Anurag :

on 13 Jul 10 at 10:53 AM

I never date a girl since i am ** now, i am un-married and pure - virgin though many beautiful girls meet me many of them put their hands on me but i not responded to them cause i have very high personal $ Moral value and these cheap girl dont know how they can break my moral n personal values. Actually in present indian scenario **.**% girls are idiot and the boys who are wondering around them*time idiots than that the girls are. and i confidently saying that you all calling me an idiot, but i dont care cause*opposite type of people always consider other one as idiot it is same phenomena like south & north pole never meet in a single magnet.

Geste :

on 10 Jul 10 at 11:12 AM

Aur Gadho kaise ho :)

Geste :

on 10 Jul 10 at 11:12 AM

Muskurana to har ladki ki ada hai. Wah wah gour farmaiye muskurana to har ladki ki ada hai, use jo mohbbat samjhe wo sabse barra gadha hai . . . ;->

vikas :

on 09 Jul 10 at 2:10 PM

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. G od works in mysterious ways. After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers. The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt.. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.' Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.' The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.' She hands the bottle to the m an. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man. The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?' The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...' MORAL OF THE STORY: - Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Geste :

on 09 Jul 10 at 2:10 PM

Muskurana to har ladki ki ada hai. Wah wah gour farmaiye muskurana to har ladki ki ada hai, use jo mohbbat samjhe wo sabse barra gadha hai . . . ;->

Geste :

on 08 Jul 10 at 6:17 PM

Positive Thinking Poem: Little bird in the sky, Dropping potty in the eye, u don't worry, u don't cry, u just thank god, That COW's don't fly.

Geste :

on 08 Jul 10 at 3:51 PM

Cheer ke seena mera, kar diye dil ke tukrey, Tujhey kya chaha maine, phir sada ishq se hum katrey. Koshish ki thi bahut na tujhey yaad karne ki, Par jab bhi ki koyi teh manzil, Teri yaad ke saath guzrey.

vikas :

on 08 Jul 10 at 3:51 PM

A Father was reading a magazine and his little daughter every now and then distracted him. To keep her busy, he tore one page on which was printed the map of the world. He tore it into pieces and asked her to go to her room and put them together to make the map again. He was sure she would take the whole day to get it done. But the little one came back within minut es with a perfect map... When he asked how she could do it so quickly, she said, "Oh... Dad, there is a man's face on the other side of the paper... I made the face perfect to get the map right." she ran outside to play leaving the father surprised. There is always the other side to whatever you exp erience in this world. Whenever you come across a challenge or a puzzling situation, look at the other side... You will be surprised to see an easy way to tackle the problem…! have a nice day

vikas :

on 08 Jul 10 at 3:51 PM

Once a Junior School teacher asked her students to bring some potatoes in a plastic bag to school. Each potato will be given a name of the person whom that child hates. Like this, the number of potatoes will be equal to the number of persons they hate. On a decided day the children brought their potatoes well addressed. Some had two, some had*and some had even*potatoes. The teacher said they have to carry these potatoes with them everywhere they go for a week. As the days passed the children started to complain about the spoiled smell that started coming from these potatoes. Also some students who had many potatoes complained that it was very heavy to carry them all around. The children got rid of this assignment after a week, when it got over. The teacher asked, “How did you feel in this one week?” The children discussed their problems about the smell and weight. Then the teacher said, “This situation is very similar to what you carry in your heart when you don’t like some people. This hatred makes your heart unhealthy and you carry that hatred in your heart everywhere you go. If you can not bear the smell of spoiled potatoes for a week, imagine the impact of this hatred that you carry through out your life, on your heart?” MORALE: * OUR HEART IS A BEAUTIFUL GARDEN THAT NEEDS A REGULAR CLEANING OF UNWANTED WEEDS. * FORGIVE THOSE WHO HAVE NOT BEHAVED WITH YOU AS EXPECTED AND FORGET THE BAD THINGS. THIS ALSO MAKES ROOM AVAILABLE FOR STORING GOOD THINGS

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