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How to Help Your Child Accept a Second Marriage

26 Aug 2008 9:12 PM by Sachin Gupta in Children
On announcing your forthcoming second marriage, your 6 to 11 year old child has reacted negatively - what should you as a mother do to make it easier? When you're faced with your child's pain and anger during a time of your happiness, it can be a turbulent time. This article presents some ways to help your child come to terms to the new arrangements and learn to accept your impending blended family.
  1. Reassure your child. Even if your child gets along well with your fiancé, remarriage often revives the pain of divorce. Also, through loyalty or fear of betraying his father, your child might want to refuse to participate or help. It is important to reassure him, to tell him that you understand and respect his decision. Prepare him for a solution that lets him off the hook; such as going to his father's place or a friend's place during the wedding. He mustn't feel abandoned but it's important that his refusal to attend won't influence your decision to go ahead. Whatever happens, your marriage will occur because it's a matter for the grown-ups to make decisions about their own lives.

  2. Understand her worries. She may be afraid that perhaps she'll be called upon to move, to share her room with a half or step-sibling. She may be worried about what will happen to her daily play routine, vacation plans and general activities. On the other hand, it may well be that a new marriage will bring about an ease in financial constraints so it is important to be honest and explain how change is always hard for everyone but that there will be some very good changes that come out of the new family situation. Point out how there will be easier ways to do things with more people on board to help out. It is important to be frank, because she will feel betrayed if you try to gloss over the challenges. Reassure her that despite the changes, her relationship with both her parents remains one of love, support and respect for her. And let her know that despite the new marriage, you will be still be there for her, together planning the future, with her as she grows up and supporting one another.

  3. Make it clear that love between adults is not something a child can change. Gently help him to understand that whilst he can manage his toys, homework and choice of clothes, he cannot influence his parent's love life, whether it be divorce or remarriage. In discussing this, never use negative words about him - a child all too easily assumes responsibility for the single parent and can feel a sense of personal blame. Ensure that he does not have any such negative feelings and reassure him that when it comes to affairs of the heart, feelings and love, much cannot be explained and that things just "are". Tell him also that the joy of one person does not equate with the sadness of another - there is room for all the family to feel joy at the coming marriage.

  4. Approach new names with great care. Unless there are very good reasons, it is not a good idea to change a child's last name; it is a threatening challenge to both her personal identity and her connection with her father. It is better to reassure your child firmly that she will keep her father's name and that nothing changes. In terms of a name for the new spouse, discuss this directly with your child and let your child come up with a nickname for her new parent. Finally, explain to her that she has the right to love her new parent without this love taking the place of her love for her father. There is room for both people in her life and if both her father and new parent take their roles seriously, she'll discover the delight of having more people caring about her welfare and needs.

  5. Be patient. A very stubborn refusal that includes rebelliousness and anger won't be resolved overnight. Talk to your ex-husband to get support for helping your child through this transition. If he hasn't remarried before you, odds are he will be in the future, so either he'll have already been through it or he'll be open-eared about what he will experience should this happen to him as well. Show openly to your child that you and your ex-husband still have your child's concerns at heart first and foremost in your discussions; this isn't the time for dragging through old hurts but it is a time for putting your child's concerns first.

(Courtesy: http://www.wikihow.com)


214 Comment(s)

aaryan :

on 30 Jun 10 at 3:48 PM

any body really intrested in marry??

Geste :

on 29 Jun 10 at 7:08 PM

Like every other thing in this world im sure SS wont be perfecdt either, still i believe it would be a lot more honest then the rest. Precisely made for people who accepted that life goes on beautifully if u choose to look at it that way. What you want out of your partner is as confusing as to tell about yourself. I mean one could write entire chapter on that. Im sure new partner also brings along a lot what you dont like/want. Change/acceptence is what makes it worth spending life time. As they say ..... dont go for looks marry someone you like talking to ...cause thats all youll be doing when u grow old....

rupak :

on 29 Jun 10 at 4:13 PM

hii mahua kolkata i really like ur profile and your picture . if possible than soon mail me or contact with me . i think we r for each other .i dont belive u r married or unmarried .i think u come to me for take place my life partner 1st.what is ur past i dont care.life me nahut kuch insident hote hai,jo accha ho usko yaad karna chayea aur jo bura ho use bura dream samaj le bhul jana chayea ,and look forowerd may be some happy moment waiting for u.

Manoj :

on 29 Jun 10 at 11:24 AM

Hi,, Debajani I liked ur profile. Plz have a look at my profile.

Manoj :

on 29 Jun 10 at 11:24 AM

Hi, Debajani hope u liked my profile.

Geste :

on 29 Jun 10 at 10:45 AM

One rotten apple surely spoils the basket but a shining star glitters the sky ......

kavita :

on 29 Jun 10 at 10:45 AM

hi.Even though life gives second chance.It is better to take precautions and improve on ourself.

Geste :

on 29 Jun 10 at 10:45 AM

Hello to all... SS site is quite interesting..you have a category of never married men here..honestly I wonder what they are doing here..why would a never married man want to marry a divorcee or a widow?? And then another thing...you have a category of Married men who are so shameless...that they openly state..."looking for girlfriend".... Well i guess it will be a learning experience.. here..on SS if nothing else......rather i should say a waste of time?

Geste :

on 29 Jun 10 at 10:45 AM

hey reena, u r absolutely right..there is a guy who says that he is married but wants a girlfrnd.......he really think that we r so stupid to accept his interest......i would rather give him a slap which he would remember for next*generations.......and yes,SS is not waste of time,some guys r really nice and sincere ..........try ur luck........may u find ur soulmate on this site.......good luck....

SWAPNA :

on 29 Jun 10 at 10:45 AM

hello everybody and Neha i am sure u known me ,,,, ok we can atlaest think about never married but what do u say for seperated ,,, still not divorced ,,, so they r looking for fun here ,,,,i am legally divorced than why should accept the interest for seperated bcoz for DV is takes around one or more year ,, and why should wait till take why dnt give time to divorced and widowed man to understand them ,,, and top of that they ask for different relationship if we reject the interest ,,,,

Geste :

on 29 Jun 10 at 10:45 AM

Dear Frnds don,t you think there is something Wrong with people who does not upload there photo in there profile...why they are behind the carton?? To whom they are hiding them self?? there is a big Q mark on those profile who even don,t like to show them self in public.....why they are doing all this suspicious activity?? are they married and still looking for girl/boy for extra martial relation?? Or any other specific reason ???

Geste :

on 29 Jun 10 at 10:45 AM

Accha to ab khichri yaha pak rahee hai......

Geste :

on 28 Jun 10 at 6:38 PM

What Is More PainFul... When A Person Whom You Trust, Hurts You...?? Or.... The Person Whom You Hurt, Still Trusts You......???? T H i N k. . . . . . . .

Geste :

on 28 Jun 10 at 6:38 PM

Only true Friends stand with u during Bad Times of your life. . . So I promise I will attend your Wedding swapna

Geste :

on 28 Jun 10 at 6:38 PM

It takes hundred peoples 2 build a building, thousand workers 2 build a castle, Million soldiers 2 protect a country, but just One woman 2 make a Happy Home! Let's Thank... KAAMWALI.

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